About 2 months ago, I experienced something so tragic. I had
broken up with a person I used to date for over a year. I am not going to say
why because I am not here to make him look like the “bad guy”, those are not my
intentions. And since that break up, I have got so many questions, and I have
realised from my experience that ultimately...How people decide to treat you is
a reflection of who they are, because we
all have a choice to make. And after realising that, I stopped looking at the “abuse”
whether it is emotional or physical because often we take that and ask
ourselves what is it that I might have done to deserve such and such, what is
it that I have done to be treated in the manner that I was treated.
And it hurts when someone that you loved and gave the best
of yourself to hurt you. And for them it looks like they do not recognise or
cannot grasp the magnitude of the damage that they have caused by their actions
that they took in your life. Yes sometimes it is hard to move on and pick
yourself up and pretend like this person never existed in your life. So I am
not going to force myself to pretend, I can’t pretend I am not hurting, I
cannot pretend like I am not disappointed because it only perpetuates the cycle
of hurt. I do not want to find myself 2
years down the line...I am crying, weeping and wailing over something I did not
deal with all because I was too ashamed. Not going to pretend he never existed,
but at the pace that I am going at, I am trying to move on outside of what he
does and what he says, and what he doesn’t say. Ultimately, only God can
vindicate us. He knows what he did, so I am not going to feel the need to
defend myself and want to prove myself. Those that know the truth know the
truth and those that don’t don’t. And I am not going to feel like whatever I
did was self inflicted.
I think it is going to take me a while to get to a point
where I will be finally okay with the
fact that this particular person decided to “move on”, because, It has been a
while now and I do not understand how can that person “move on” and never
looked back and never thought for a minute
I deserved an apology. Not a text message, not a phone call...for him to
look me in the eye and say “Buhle I am sorry, I should not have done A,B and C”.
Even if we did not get back together, but for him to look at me and do
something honourable like saying “I’m sorry”.
It is also going to take me a while to answer the questions
that I have because, I do not have the platform to ask these questions, I do
not have the platform to engage about what had happened and what had transpired
in that relationship and what led to the break up, and it is extremely hard to
go through. It is hard to have questions and no one to ask, because the person
you need to be asking looks like they couldn’t be bothered.
I can safely say now that I am starting to go through the
process of asking and healing, because I have stopped trying. I stopped trying
to look like I was okay.
Sometimes as a person you try so hard to not look like you’re
hurting, to look like you’re okay to look like you’re not disappointed.. And
the sad part about all of this is that you can only control what you can control. Regardless of how well I treat myself,
regardless of how I am good to myself, Regardless of how hard i tried to make
the right decisions? People will still have to choose how they treat me. Even when
you are good to yourself, people won’t be good to you. People won’t treat you
the way you need to be treated.. And one of the things that people know how to
do very well is forget, amnesia comes very easy for a lot of people. People can
forget and they can move on like it aint no thing. Like you didn’t invest in them,
like you didn’t make sacrifices for them, like you didn’t give to them when it
hurt to give. And it is hard to watch that particular person forget, because
that person was once close to you and everything that happens is just close
range.
But I am allowing myself to let go of all of this, whether
the truth is told or not. I am now
focusing on learning from the bad, learning from the good, learning from the
experience and I am going to mourn it and feel it, I will cry if I need to, to
get to a point where I know that my healing was not forced, and not out of
pretence.
It is about me, other people do not matter, their opinions
do not matter, they will make feel okay for a certain period of time and then
fade away. Not trying to put up a show for anyone, making people believes that
I am where I am not.
To conclude...The thing about life is that, whether you are
ready to confront certain things or not, they WILL confront you. They will stare
you in the face and you will have to sort it out. We all have our journeys in
life and we all have to walk out our journeys and sometimes we are other people’s
greatest lesson.
At the end of the day, I know what transpired the whole
thing and I know where the cracks come from.
Love and Lipgloss
xxx
